Love is Sweeter The Second Time Around

Perhaps
Memories
Lead
Me
Back
Here
Or…

I loved writing.
It loved me back.
And then something happened in between…

I gave up on it.

I gave in to the worldly world. I got distracted by the overflowing power of the corporate world. It was a race – survival of the fittest. Everyone overpowered by success, higher compensation and other earthly materials. I got what I wanted though, prestige, extra cash and a lot of social gathering.

Everything was good, but at the end of the day, still nothing made sense.

I realized I lost one very important thing.
I lost myself.

So I remembered the story of the caterpillar who wants to become a butterfly…

Unlike him, I never became one… I should have followed the stages of Metamorphosis.

I climbed a caterpillar pillar, and what made it even bad is I climbed the worst one.

Earlier this year, I made a new blog in another website. I was struggling to write. It was like the first time I held a pencil in my hand attempting to write my name. As of now I’ve made twenty-something number of posts, but despite that, it didn’t make me feel good. I felt there’s something missing in it…and that’s what lead me back here… Perhaps, my new blog is incomplete because there are no memories to look back at and reminisce…

Maybe looking back will make me fall in love with writing again, and it might love me back again more than ever.

Just like they say, Love is sometimes sweeter the second time around.

It took years, but here it goes.

It took over two years for me to write back. Mind you, this is my first attempt to write again after the last post I made here. Yes, I know, I myself could not believe that time passed by so quickly. Two years passed, and I’ve gone through a stressful journey of trying to figure out what I want. Don’t congratulate me, I’m still lost. But I will never give up. I’d keep flying around, like a lost butterfly until I find the right flower to land on. 

I’m scared of writing again. I’m scared of writing this blog, knowing the usual people won’t be here anymore to read, but then I realized, I am writing this for myself. For me to finally let go of this blog and maybe start a new one someday. 

If you wish to keep in touch, please send me your email address and i’ll send you email for my new blog. 🙂

Thank you for everything, and I’m sorry it took two years to say goodbye.

God bless you all.

Banchetto in Ortigas Center

BANCHETTO is an Italian word meaning “a feast”.

Mostly every December, different places all over Manila hold this midnight feast event. At exactly 12 midnight, different food vendors line up their food stalls, and voila, you’ll see people coming from different buildings, condominiums and villages nearby enjoying the cheap yet very delicious food.

One Banchetto is set up in Ortigas Center where I work, and we went there one Friday ago. The picture above was taken by me, while my co-workers are enjoying their food. The place was crowded and I was only able to get myself a green banana shake and seafood rice, since I could not handle being in the middle of the crowd. Anyhow, the night was fun and filled with… well, full stomaches. Hahaha

 

One of the food stalls. Greasy I know. Hehe

Christmas Lights at the park in Ortigas Center.

One of the streets in Ortigas Center.

Drowned

 

Seriously, this isn’t life at all. Life is something i would like to live everyday.

i remember feeling tired of being a drama queen before, so i literally stopped whining. i kept things to myself and did things like as if problems aren’t suppose to be solved anymore. something people call it “living dead”, but i call it living for the sake of living. i was quite contented with it really. i even thought “wow i could live like this for the rest of my life”. but boy was i wrong…

the more i ignored the problems, the more they came.
the more i tried to be happy, the more i suffered inside.
the more i pretended to be a positive person, the more i despised myself.

here is how i live everyday:
11 am – wakes up from sleep
12 nn – take a shower and prepare myself to work
1:30 – working working working
11:00 pm – done with work, step out the building, smoke smoke smoke (i didn’t smoke before)
11:30 – go clubbing, go to a karaoke bar, eat out, have some beer etc.
3:00 – go back to my condo, shower and sleep

yeah. that was it really. oh weekend?
saturday i sleep and eat the whole day
sunday i sleep and eat the whole day

i did not want to care anymore, even this thing i am writing does not have any coherence i suppose, but i would not bother checking it out. i have to admit i am a total mess, and i want to go see the right path again, yeah, that hell right path that i couldn’t see or recognize anymore. i said i wanna be happy and contented.

what’s the problem with me? i really don’t know. i remember the first month of this year, i read a horoscope about me saying this year is going to be good, that money will be here, and happiness will be felt… hell no. everything was a lie.

money? i had and lost them.
job? not better than the previous two, same problems, same treatment. maybe different positions but all is the same.
family? too much sickness.

they say that suffering will end? the hell when? i’ve been suffering for long. i am worst that those drug addicts. i do not take drugs but i do not know my direction.

see?i guess even my writing does not have any direction. so sorry guys, i just have to let this out.

OH YES, by the way, I suck because I lied big time today. Well, i lied because i didn’t want to involve other people, i thought it was the best thing to do.less people will be affected, i will take the blame that is mine alone, i weighed things, and thought it was the best thing to do, it was the lesser evil.

DOES LYING MAKES ME A LESSER PERSON? An evil one perhaps? let me know, coz honestly, I am fucking guilty.

there, there..

No Title :D

Okay, so how do I start this again? Someone help me, feels like I no longer know how to put my feelings or at least what I am thinking into words. I do not hate my blog, I didn’t want to stop writing, and it’s just that I didn’t have time. I just said I needed a little rest and then I lost track of the days and then it just suddenly hit me awhile ago while on my way to the office, it’s almost Christmas again. I kind of hate myself for taking time for granted. I could’ve written a lot of the thoughts I wanted to write if only I wasn’t busy or lazy… Grrr!
Anyway, thanks to Michael (Vega), he inspired me, he is my inspiration rather. It’s funny when you start feeling this thing again. Having butterflies in your stomach, worrying about how I look (not so me) Smiling at the thought of him… I am definitely sureeeee of this feeling. I feel like a teen… I got a crush on him! ^__^
If you ever wonder about Brennan, the guy I was talking about under “FUN DATE”. We’re still friends. He texts and calls and invites me almost every weekend, though I mostly declined his invitations. (Not that I’m being mean, I just don’t have time, or sometimes prefer to be alone. Just to set the records straight, nothing more than friendship is going on between us. We like each other. As friends, and that’s just the way it is. 😀
Maybe this entry seems very light and candid, but it’s the opposite of how I feel. I’ve been going through a lot lately. I can’t help but wish sometimes that I’d vanish in a single snap. Haha

Wait for more… a detailed one. T___T

Vega

I am twenty four
And it’s a cold November Seventeen
It feels like the first crush at sweet sixteen
So mesmerized
Oh, how I love your eyes

11-22-2010

Fun Date!

dear frog journal,

I just want to remember this day.

I went out with Brennan… it was an ordinary day, but I felt extra-ordinary.

He’s a new found friend. Eighty percent chinese and 20 percent filipino.

I dunno, i felt comfortable being with him, it felt so safe. I don’t really go out on dates, but I just can’t say no to him.

Anyhow, we went to a Japanese Garden in Greenbelt 5, and then talked a lot about our lives.

so, we’ll be meeting tomorrow as well and go wherever…

we’re going to the zoo this saturday too. i bet it will be fun.

oh by the way, I fell, i missed a step and i fell. aahhaa, i just laughed at myself while he was helping me.

Looking forward to spending more time with him soon… 🙂

lovelots
Rhee

Uncertain

I am wishing hopefully that I am making the right

decisions in my life right now.

i feel so uncertain.

i want to be happy.

everybody wants to be happy.

no, don’t say it’s a choice.

because i do choose to be happy.

i always do, but see?

i am not.

i cannot fathom the real meaning of happiness…

it’s even harder to find than love.

Questions

Is it better to think of someone else or myself first?
Should I delay my future success to help someone?

Why is the world changing?
How do I start all over again?

Why is the weather irritating me?

I want to be happy.
I want financial freedom.
I want to make my dreams come true.

What step should I take first?

I’ve been taking steps all my life…
Why do I always end up disappointed?

Almost Back… =)

So..here I am, struggling to get back. Wondering about so many things that transpired these past few months. Wishing some events never happened. Trying not to regret my past choices and yes, still finding ways to start living life again…

When I resigned to my previous company, I felt kinda depressed. I guess that’s normal, but then later on, I started to find reasons to be happy knowing I’d be in good hands with my new company (at least I thought). Everything was going on smoothly, and then of course unfortunate events started happening, which is normal I suppose, because I am living, and because that’s life is all about. I wasn’t contented, but I was happy.

Then my boss started giving hints that he likes me, and then eventually declared he loves me. At first, I tried to explain to him the best way I can that what he wanted us to have ain’t really right. He’s my boss and I’m his employee. Ours was a lovely story, as what other people say, but only for a while. Maybe it’s partly my fault too, but what can I do? I gave in to his sweet nothings, he made me trust his feelings. I doubted his intentions, I swear, but I dunno what he did or say that made me believe his promises. It scared the crap out of me but like what I said I gave in. AND THEN, everything went entirely different. He started not talking to me, pretended not to see me whenever we pass by each other. Literally looks the other way when we accidentally see each other on corridors. I begged him to explain, to let me know what I did wrong, and to tell me he does not love me, just so at least I could move on. BUT guess what? He didn’t. It’s been a month now, but still he didn’t make any effort to say a thing. I was willing to let go of him though it will hurt big time, as long as we put closure into things for peace of mind’s sake. I felt disrespected. I felt so bad, and lost my confidence (now struggling to get it back). Turned out he just played on me. Funny eh?

Well, I’m okay now. Not 100 % okay, but moving on and happy. As a matter of fact, although he never said he’s sorry, I already forgave him. Sometimes, when I see him, I still want to hate him, but I am doing my best not to. I’m leaving everything to karma.

I am planning to resign in my company. NO not because of him, but because I know I have greater chances out there. I just couldn’t stay anymore and tire myself doing over time works knowing I could actually get what I earn by having normal working hours.

Well, I woke up feeling sore tonight. I wish I got some meds before I went home. Missing my family back hometown too. And I’m bored as hell.

I’m staying in the condominium the whole weekend. And I’m applying for a new job this Monday. Wish me luck guys!

I will update you as soon as I get the chance again. I just have to lie down for now because my back hurts big time.

Have a happy weekend!

P.S Live life to the fullest. Be happy and stay positive!