I never get there

Sigh. Now I have to ponder about this much,. I hyjust made a wrong punctuatioon and had sme typo errors while typing this and I don’t give a damn. I feely gloomy. Morbid.

I wokre up 12 noon today and I thought it’s gonna be a great day, I did my everyday routine and walked my way to the oiffice (yes, i try to walk for exercise and to see the sky). I was listening to Westlife’s while walking and tried to appreciate the polluted air that I breathe. I knew to myself that it’s gonna be a good day and then it turned out the other way around. I am thinking if it’s because I overslept of what. My eyes are hot and what not.

I am so bored. I want a boy friend. Okay, I have N and thats basically it, we’re sort of committed but we don’t have a relationship. Yea, I know this kind of thing is busted. I don’t know how long I’d be waiting. He’s a good guy with so much more about his life, but it’s just that things aren’t the same. No, I mean something has changed. He was gone. He came back. He was gone again. And he came back again and it doesn’t make me feel good anymore. I’m tired of waiting. tired. tired. tired. And then there came Buuu, sigh, I don’t know, he’s almost me. I meanI see myself in him. like gosh, I hate it because it’s scaring me. Like, am I falling for this guy? Noooooooooo, it’s not right. I just like our conversations, he just completes my days sometimes, he just make me laugh and sad, and happyu= and cry and all emotions at the same time. Yea, different emotions all at the same time. I’m torn.

I’m disoriented, my life is going further down and I don’t like this. I am willing to start again, I want to change myself, not only physically or emotionally but basicaaly change everything for the better. Dasmn that word better. When I try to chase for it, it goes away. I want a better life, a better me, and I never get there. Sigh.

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~ by Asian Butterfly on September 3, 2009.

2 Responses to “I never get there”

  1. hey girly!
    I first want to say thank you for you comments on my and for visiting 🙂
    I understand how you feel not being about to loose weight. i have battles with eating disorder for 5 years. Also on your post… stay positive and try not to think bad of yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to i am here. i might not know what to say right off the bat, but i am a great listener.
    Well girl have a great day!!

    Court. ❤

  2. Oh dear … you ever hear about the law of attraction? If this is the “mojo” you are putting out there – it’s all you’ll get back. Act as if it was already the way you want it – basically fake it ’til you make it. Don’t say or think tomorrow, in the future… then there if and maybe.

    It IS right now….

    example: I want to be debt free (all the universe hears is debt so you get more debt) change it to I have financial freedom.

    Just …. try it. Can’t hurt!

    Not long ago I did what I call a friendship autopsy and clean sweep. I divorced some “best friends”, let go of toxic relationships and that as that. Blocked the e-mails, deleted them from my address books, blocked the phone numbers etc.

    Criteria?

    If they don’t bring me up – gone
    if they don’t support me – gone
    if I have not sent hem regularly in the last 6 months – gone
    If they only ever think about themselves – gone
    If the only reason they talk with me is via or because of facebook – gone

    … try it.

    I’m 36 years old. Two marriages and many illnesses etc behind me and I can tell you – life is awesome. I have an amazing career, a man that is a muse and joy to be with and so so so much more. I believed it. Lived it. And it happened. You have to be able to let go.

    Life is about choices. For every choice you make – take time to mourn those things you did not choose … but then …MOVE ON!!

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