How can I tell you?

I don’t know how to tell you, that I am thankful for having you in my life. I don’t know if words are enough that I appreciate everything, every words and every inspiration you gave me. I don’t know to to tell you, that if given a chance, I want to show you the world the way you should see it. Beautiful, enchanting and liberating.

But please, please don’t get me wrong about this. Please understand what I am going through. Talking to you for a couple of times this week made me realize about a lot of things, and realizing those things made me more uncertain with my feelings.

That feeling, is very different now. A few months ago, I was so certain that what I feel for you is strong enough to take the risk of waiting. Waiting for the time that we’ll be able to start a life together. And then you suddenly arrived to another juncture in your life and needed to turn again, without me. You suddenly went away, without goodbye after promising me of a beautiful tomorrow, and I didn’t know what to do. I’ve got so many questions, until one day you came back for a while telling me to wait. To hold on, and to just wait, and I oblige. I did because I wanted to, I wanted to because I thought it was the right thing to do, knowing how much I feel about you. And so I waited, endlessly, I kept waiting, until the time that you can already open your life to me, to everyone. For many months, I heard or received nothing from you. No shadow of you was visible in my life, and after so many painful nights of thinking and wondering, I managed to get back to my feet, I managed to somehow forget and to somehow move on despite the many questions that you left hanging. I managed to go on breathing despite the fact that I am broken. I became who you thought I am, a brave woman, who makes you strong.

And then I met him. He managed to make me smile in his own little ways. You make me smile too of course, but you two are different individuals. He is more like me, though I can guess that I’ve only gone through less than half of the wreckedness that he had in his life. So yeah, maybe in some ways, he is more like you, considering your painful past too. But as a whole person, he’s exactly an opposite of you. Not that I’m comparing. Well, getting straight to the point. He was there, you weren’t, and I hated that you weren’t. I so want to tell you about him, about how crazy he is and about how he makes me feel all kinds of emotions all at the same time. No, don’t get this wrong again. I’m not in love with him or any sort of that. Apparently, he’s just someone who made me realize about reality. Apparently, without him knowing, he managed to make me smile no matter how gloomy I feel. Apparently, he’s just a random guy (like what he said) whim I want to keep. Keep forever, maybe you understand what I mean by this. You know me when it comes to friendship. AND AGAIN, please don’t get this all wrong, because I am hurting.

Anyway, now you’re back although I am not sure if it really is your intention to come back. You did answer some questions, but not all. Maybe because I didn’t ask them, but do I have to ask everything? You’re starting your life all over again. You want me back again. You want me back, and you want me to wait again. To wait for the right time. You don’t even realize that the time sometimes is not always the right time when someone doesn’t want it to be the right time. I wanted to tell you that all has changed now, and that I already have a lot of reasons not to wait for that right that that might never come. I wanted to tell you that I don’t want to hurt you no matter how many pains you’ve brought in my life that’s why I keep my mouth shut, that’s why I keep my eyes close, that’s why I keep my heart numb.

Maybe this is the only way to let you know about what I feel. Maybe this is the only place where I can vent about my true feelings for you. Maybe I will just hope that one day I’m over this dilemma. Maybe one day you’ll just suddenly feel that I am colder than ever and that you need to let me go. Maybe one day you’ll realize that I’m no longer the woman you used to know, that the false hopes you gave me are the reasons why I changed.

I want to tell you, to tell you that I know this feeling very well. I want to tell you that I learned living without you already, and having back might not make me comfortable anymore. I want to tell you that I love you so much that I don’t want you to hurt that’s why I cannot tell you that I am no longer in love with you.

Note:unedited

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~ by Asian Butterfly on September 4, 2009.

One Response to “How can I tell you?”

  1. it’s almost like a sequel to my “nothing”. Oh … let him go. Let him …go. Anyone that causes more pain than joy – no matter how much you love – is not worth it.

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