A Colloquy

“I didn’t mean that. It’s not what you think. I want you to know that if I’d be given a chance to choose who I want to spend the rest of my life with, it’ll just be you.” I told him and gave up of waiting for his response because I know he wouldn’t. Why would he? He chose to just shut his eyes and maybe forget about our conversation a moment ago, so I left and went on with my work teary eyed and feeling empty.

How could I screw it too? We’ve been friends for months and I tried my best not to goof up whenever we have these kind of conversation. “You’re just blind and wants everything to be spelled out for you. Plain and simple.”, he said. I always thought I was just the fragile type, and I never thought I could be insensitive as well.

I started thinking about what he was trying to say when he added this: “Maybe that was my way of saying I would help you and if things worked out it would be longer than three years.” What he didn’t understand is that that’s not what I wanted. I wanted something more than three years, I wanted to be with him forever if ever there is such thing. You see, I am committing an ordinary crime that doesn’t even have the option of bailing out. I am falling for him, and what’s more upsetting is that I couldn’t tell him.

I just really wouldn’t get it when guys try to push you away saying you wouldn’t survive in their world, and that it will only take a few months for you to realize you really wouldn’t want to join them where they are. “Wow, what a revelation. Since when did you actually realize you care about me?”, I asked. As what was expected, he failed me, instead I heard him say “I had my moment of trying to say, hey I’ve though about us more than once, but didn’t want to say anything”. So you see? Who’s fault is it now? Men always blame women for keeping quite when they are the ones who actually do it. Men are so good saying the things that are the exact opposites of what they feel and sometimes it just simply suck.

“You already killed my mood to try and say that I care about you.” he suddenly said while I was trying to recall on how we arrived to this very serious talk that makes me feel like a grown up. He then proceeded saying, “You are on your own if you want it, you’re intelligent and could do good things, just need a better outlet and that is what I was hoping to help you achieve.” I was speechless, and realized everything’s turning upside down, how it happened. His intelligence is eating me, he can elaborate his feelings more because he was using his native tongue and here I am running out of words, not being able to use the right statements and all.

I can feel him almost done and ready to end the conversation yet I still couldn’t say what I wanted to say. That I was sorry and that I will never think of him that way. For all he knows, his uniqueness is the very reason why my heart grew closer to him.

My fault? Maybe. Wrong choice of words? Probably. But still all is the same, nothing’s change. I care, he cares. I just hope we’ll find each other in the end.

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~ by Asian Butterfly on March 18, 2010.

6 Responses to “A Colloquy”

  1. You are in tune to what it is you want in life, so move ahead…your way! 🙂 Have a great day!

  2. *hug*

    Hun?

    Men can be such dopes.
    (so can we – but that isn’t the point)

    Really.

    Trying to understand the why they react to things so differently than we would just makes you always think it’s your fault.

    Simple is best when you feel you are able to try explaining your feelings again.

    M.L.

  3. I so know the place you’re coming from. If only you could get him to hear, and listen to how you feel. I’d say you did an excellent job getting those feelings out butterfly.

    hoping for you that they see it

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