Drowned

 

Seriously, this isn’t life at all. Life is something i would like to live everyday.

i remember feeling tired of being a drama queen before, so i literally stopped whining. i kept things to myself and did things like as if problems aren’t suppose to be solved anymore. something people call it “living dead”, but i call it living for the sake of living. i was quite contented with it really. i even thought “wow i could live like this for the rest of my life”. but boy was i wrong…

the more i ignored the problems, the more they came.
the more i tried to be happy, the more i suffered inside.
the more i pretended to be a positive person, the more i despised myself.

here is how i live everyday:
11 am – wakes up from sleep
12 nn – take a shower and prepare myself to work
1:30 – working working working
11:00 pm – done with work, step out the building, smoke smoke smoke (i didn’t smoke before)
11:30 – go clubbing, go to a karaoke bar, eat out, have some beer etc.
3:00 – go back to my condo, shower and sleep

yeah. that was it really. oh weekend?
saturday i sleep and eat the whole day
sunday i sleep and eat the whole day

i did not want to care anymore, even this thing i am writing does not have any coherence i suppose, but i would not bother checking it out. i have to admit i am a total mess, and i want to go see the right path again, yeah, that hell right path that i couldn’t see or recognize anymore. i said i wanna be happy and contented.

what’s the problem with me? i really don’t know. i remember the first month of this year, i read a horoscope about me saying this year is going to be good, that money will be here, and happiness will be felt… hell no. everything was a lie.

money? i had and lost them.
job? not better than the previous two, same problems, same treatment. maybe different positions but all is the same.
family? too much sickness.

they say that suffering will end? the hell when? i’ve been suffering for long. i am worst that those drug addicts. i do not take drugs but i do not know my direction.

see?i guess even my writing does not have any direction. so sorry guys, i just have to let this out.

OH YES, by the way, I suck because I lied big time today. Well, i lied because i didn’t want to involve other people, i thought it was the best thing to do.less people will be affected, i will take the blame that is mine alone, i weighed things, and thought it was the best thing to do, it was the lesser evil.

DOES LYING MAKES ME A LESSER PERSON? An evil one perhaps? let me know, coz honestly, I am fucking guilty.

there, there..

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~ by Asian Butterfly on December 14, 2010.

7 Responses to “Drowned”

  1. Is this where we all line up to confess stuff?

    I did the same thing you confess to doing myself a couple of weeks ago…

    It was exhausting me to try and keep things to myself so that I wouldn’t have to upset someone – so – I made it so that I would never have to do it again.

    I don’t think you are a lesser person OR evil because I believe that good people can do things they are not proud of for reasons they can be proud of – or that are at least in the best interest of all concerned…

    Having said that I already know that it hurt you or you would not have mentioned it.

    That is the one thing that tells me that you just meant to do the only thing you could think of at the time that might be best.

    No evil in that – just confusion – a little (or more) loneliness and a lot of pain.

    *hug*

    M.L.

    • now iam feeling better, thank you moonlight. i hope everything will be well in time. life is surprising me everyday.

  2. First – your life really doesn’t sound bad. πŸ™‚
    Second – neither lying or telling the truth can make you an evil or a good person, you already are this person and I’m sure you’re from the good one πŸ˜‰
    hugs from me too

    • they say that, that my life doesn’t really sound bad. i wish i’d realize that. πŸ˜€ thanks for the hugs. πŸ™‚

  3. “Let there be Peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”

    “Be the change you wish to see.” Gandhi

    *

    The Way is the way of truth and light.
    May I know that Truth when I hear it.
    May I see the Light right in front of my face.

    May I cross the bridges
    as they directly appear.
    May I make a righteous choice
    at every curious crossroad.
    May I choose the road chosen
    by someone smarter than me, by God!

    Merry Christmas! πŸ™‚ Tree’s Prayer

  4. Hi Asian Butterfly,

    It’s always risky trying to offer one’s thoughts, but I feel I would like to.

    Maybe a complete change of scene would help. In the 1970’s a lot of people began adventuring in sailing yachts, living independently, releasing themselves from work, the stress of money and the pressures of city life in general. A good example of this is a man called Shane Acton- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shane_Acton He sailed a tiny boat around the world; the book is called ‘Shrimpy’.

    Having said this, I don’t think time off itself solves any problems, but it can provide the opportunity to solve problems. As does Uncle Tree above, I follow God (Jesus), and that provides the framework for me to interpret and understand all of life’s good and bad.

    Or what about moving- did I read that you are in the Phillipines? Maybe a small shack with a garden on an island like Palawan would be a good place to let your soul heal and work on these things. Just a thought and really, I have no idea whether that is helpful or not.

    Anyway Asian Butterfly, I will bring your situation to God in prayer today, and I hope you find healing.

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