Uncertain

•August 2, 2010 • 7 Comments

I am wishing hopefully that I am making the right

decisions in my life right now.

i feel so uncertain.

i want to be happy.

everybody wants to be happy.

no, don’t say it’s a choice.

because i do choose to be happy.

i always do, but see?

i am not.

i cannot fathom the real meaning of happiness…
it’s even harder to find than love.

Questions

•August 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

Is it better to think of someone else or myself first?
Should I delay my future success to help someone?

Why is the world changing?
How do I start all over again?

Why is the weather irritating me?

I want to be happy.
I want financial freedom.
I want to make my dreams come true.

What step should I take first?

I’ve been taking steps all my life…
Why do I always end up disappointed?

Almost Back… =)

•July 24, 2010 • 5 Comments

So..here I am, struggling to get back. Wondering about so many things that transpired these past few months. Wishing some events never happened. Trying not to regret my past choices and yes, still finding ways to start living life again…

When I resigned to my previous company, I felt kinda depressed. I guess that’s normal, but then later on, I started to find reasons to be happy knowing I’d be in good hands with my new company (at least I thought). Everything was going on smoothly, and then of course unfortunate events started happening, which is normal I suppose, because I am living, and because that’s life is all about. I wasn’t contented, but I was happy.

Then my boss started giving hints that he likes me, and then eventually declared he loves me. At first, I tried to explain to him the best way I can that what he wanted us to have ain’t really right. He’s my boss and I’m his employee. Ours was a lovely story, as what other people say, but only for a while. Maybe it’s partly my fault too, but what can I do? I gave in to his sweet nothings, he made me trust his feelings. I doubted his intentions, I swear, but I dunno what he did or say that made me believe his promises. It scared the crap out of me but like what I said I gave in. AND THEN, everything went entirely different. He started not talking to me, pretended not to see me whenever we pass by each other. Literally looks the other way when we accidentally see each other on corridors. I begged him to explain, to let me know what I did wrong, and to tell me he does not love me, just so at least I could move on. BUT guess what? He didn’t. It’s been a month now, but still he didn’t make any effort to say a thing. I was willing to let go of him though it will hurt big time, as long as we put closure into things for peace of mind’s sake. I felt disrespected. I felt so bad, and lost my confidence (now struggling to get it back). Turned out he just played on me. Funny eh?

Well, I’m okay now. Not 100 % okay, but moving on and happy. As a matter of fact, although he never said he’s sorry, I already forgave him. Sometimes, when I see him, I still want to hate him, but I am doing my best not to. I’m leaving everything to karma.

I am planning to resign in my company. NO not because of him, but because I know I have greater chances out there. I just couldn’t stay anymore and tire myself doing over time works knowing I could actually get what I earn by having normal working hours.

Well, I woke up feeling sore tonight. I wish I got some meds before I went home. Missing my family back hometown too. And I’m bored as hell.

I’m staying in the condominium the whole weekend. And I’m applying for a new job this Monday. Wish me luck guys!

I will update you as soon as I get the chance again. I just have to lie down for now because my back hurts big time.

Have a happy weekend!

P.S Live life to the fullest. Be happy and stay positive!

Can’t think of a title, probably “hello i’m here”

•June 13, 2010 • 5 Comments

Arghh.. it’s been a long time, and yet here I am still tired forcing myself to at least write something to let you guys know I’m alive… not kickin’ but alive. 🙂

So many things happened, of course, onbviously it’s been a long time since I last posted… Too bad I couldn’t go in details now, since I have not much time, but I’d update soon, as soon as I get the chance to do it. (That chance when I have a free time and feeling good enough to write.)

Uhmmm… I could not say I am happy now, because I’m quite confuse with many things. Uncertain with many things, and wanted to regret (or not) some decisions I’ve made. All I could say is maybe things happen for a reason (not sure).  Perhaps.

I hope everyone’s all good. Miss bloggin’. Miss y’all. Hope you’re all good.

Last Day Goodbye and the Feeling

•April 15, 2010 • 3 Comments

They said when it’s your last day in the company, you feel this certain longing or loneliness, because you will never ever be in the same office again/ You will never ever see your desk loaded with your stuff again and you won’t ever have group meetings and group chit chat with the same co-workers.

BUT…I don’t understand what I feel right now.

It could be loneliness but it’s being overshadowed by something bigger, bigger but not spectacular because it is pain.
I miss someone now, more than I will miss the people in my company. And missing that someone is blocking the sadness that I should feel for choosing to leave my current job, and co-workers.

I wanted this. I’m heading somewhere where my life would be brighter, where I could start my career life all over again, although I know that it would just be my temporary haven. My second half step. The first was getting into this company and leaving.

Sighs, I don’t know what to say really because I am hurting. I am hurting not because of leaving, but because of something/someone else.

I just want to remember this day.
My last day in my company.

For now, LIFE for me is all about taking a step, leaving, and moving on.

I might have regrets someday (hope not to many), but I know I will learn my lessons.

B-DAY (Bad-Day Birthday)

•April 13, 2010 • 16 Comments

A not-so-HAPPY birthday to me… *tears*

A few days ago, I thought that I’d be celebrating my 24th birthday happily and more contented.
BUT
hey people, it’s the other way around.
Funny eh?

Just hurting.

If I just realize…

•April 12, 2010 • 4 Comments

Dear Myself,

You’ve achieved some things already, you know that. They may be small, but they are your achievements.

You’re one lucky girl. You were given almost everything you wanted. From fancy clothes, glittery shoes, expensive school things and a collection of stuffed toys and dolls. You were loved by your mother, was even luckier for having aunt Minda as your second mother. You were a daddy’s girl who gave you everything you asked for. You were the only princess, with two monkeys as your brothers (hehe). Your family’s reputation (both sides) is so good that everyone in your neighborhood treats you good as well. You see how lucky you are?

You wanted to be a part of your school newspaper in high school, and you became part of it for four years. Got honorariums from even, and also became part of different organizations. You wanted to become a CAT officer when you were a senior in high school, you became one, and even had the Wing 5 Logistics and Supply Cadette Lt. Colonel post. You were top 6 in your class and was even one of the few who got a gold medal on your high school graduation. You met your best friend in high school as well, and you should be thankful for having her. You’ve appreciated so many things in your high school life, the stars, the clouds, the sunset, the green grass, and everything else around you. Things that an ordinary high school lass would never noticed. You are luck aren’t you?

In college, you were given the chance to choose the most prestigious university in your town. You were able to buy stuff that you wanted, cheap or expensive. You learned how it is to eat street food and to party all night, or drink all night. You’ve been to places with friends and found friendship to some. You were able to prove that you can dance when your class joined several school dancing festivals. You outdid your best in high school, really. You were part of a school political organization who fought for the entire studentry. You were part of an organization which helped you help other people and kids who were in need, as well as prisoners. You were able to act and to attend seminars and trainings. You had your dream come true, having your name posted on school bulletins, walls and such. You won writing contests, you became a Features editor in your college newspaper. You were admired by your professors. You became a model to your school mates in simple ways. Don’t you think you’re lucky?

Now you live in a lavish environment. Your new job is better than the previous one. You’re on your way to your dream don’t you realize that? Your parents supports you all the way. You’ve finally found and realized there are at least six real friends in your life. Why aren’t you happy? Don’t you think you should be thankful for all these blessings or miracles or whatever you wanna call them? Why can’t you realize you’re lucky? Why are you blinded by the thought that what you have is not enough? Why can’t you be happy for now? You’re luckier than other people, try to read this again and again, until you realize that you are.

And always remember, whatever trials you’ll have. Whatever pain you’ll feel or how many failures you’ll have. Remember remember, remember, just SUCK IT up and MOVE on.